Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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