Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
