I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
