Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
