look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize