how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
