im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
