I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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