Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
