If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize