i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
