HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
