So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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