Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize