she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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