How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
