phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Randomize
