My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
