Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
