I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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