we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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