He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
