he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
