Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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