My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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