my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
