Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
