Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
