Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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