Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
