I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
