Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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