His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
