When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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