He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
