I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
