my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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