I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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