Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
