Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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