Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
