I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
