Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
