pop tarts are not kleenex
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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