Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
