Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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