Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I had to cum in my sink.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize