We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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