i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
