I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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