my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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