What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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