Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
