didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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