sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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