Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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