my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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