how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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