sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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