brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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