remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
