Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
