hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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